Difficult Dads

Kids want:

To be loved

To be accepted

To have their needs met

To be safe and protected

Many times when kids say they have difficult dads it revolves around communicating or lack of it. Stereotypically speaking problems with parents are because of children not setting healthy boundaries because parents have violated personal space physically or emotionally

As the following statements are generalizations, the opposite can also be true.

Generally speaking difficult moms do: too much meddling, gossiping, show up unannounced, call too often, request things outside comfort zones.

speaking difficult moms do: too much meddling, gossiping, show up unannounced, call too often, request things outside comfort zones.

Generally kids who say their dads are difficult complain about them being:

kids who say their dads are difficult complain about them being:

Distant, Aloof, Non-Communicative, Non-Affectionate, Angry, Judgmental, Controlling, Blaming and Shaming

So, to get needs met with any of the above you need to:

Be clear and specific about your needs

Don’t confront dad, rather talk to him when you are doing something else together like golfing, fishing, working in the garden.

Don’t overcompensate (hug, kiss, hang on him)

Use conscious behaviors

Learn to develop a sense of self worth that isn’t dependent on others

If dad uses anger as his way to communicate:

  1. Say: It seems like this is not a good time to talk, I’m going to give you time to cool down and maybe we can pick this up at a time that is better for you.
  2. : It seems like this is not a good time to talk, I’m going to give you time to cool down and maybe we can pick this up at a time that is better for you.
  3. Don’t: match his anger. This will cause escalation and no one wins.
  4. match his anger. This will cause escalation and no one wins.
  5. Remove yourself: It is important to remove yourself physically from someone who is angry and can potentially attack.
  6. It is important to remove yourself physically from someone who is angry and can potentially attack.
  7. Use "I" statements: When you say/do…………….I feel………………….
  8. When you say/do…………….I feel………………….

Rather than saying: "You make me feel…………(blaming and not taking responsibility for your feelings)

If dad is judgmental or controlling ( and uses blame and shame):

    1. Detach from his manipulating behaviors—"don’t take it personally" (maybe that is the way he was raised and he is not able to transition into healthier patterns)
    2. Tell him you are hurt that he doesn’t approve of you but you must be true to yourself and live within your definition of integrity
    3. Surround yourself with supporting groups of people
    4. Learn develop habits and patterns that are more effective

If dad is distant or aloof:

  1. Find things you have in common to do i.e. golf, fishing, cooking
  2. Model intimate behavior with others in his view
  3. Protect yourself by not setting yourself up to get hurt (if you have emotional needs that he can’t meet, go to an appropriate source to get these needs met)

Often it isn’t the dad that is the problem, it is our expectations. As the role of child, we don’t have control over the attitudes, actions and behaviors of our parents. The best thing we can do is accept, love unconditionally, set up healthy boundaries and find ways to get our needs met in a healthy way.

Diane is also holding a 6 Week Workshop titled, "Change the World--One Woman At A Time."

The goal is to: feed your soul and give back to others, set goals, make a plan of action, mission statement and end up with a plan to do one thing we have been putting off.

Contact Diane Dennis for more information on this event at 503-972-3441

YouNews

This content requires the latest Adobe Flash Player and a browser with JavaScript enabled. Click here for a free download of the latest Adobe Flash Player.