Couples & Their Money Fights

Diane Dennis, Certified Life Coach, told us that money is the number one cause for divorce BUT that it isn’t so much about money as it is about our attitude toward money.

Many of us grew up with poor attitudes about money:
“Money doesn’t grow on trees”
“You have to work hard for money”
“Be careful or you will end up in the poor house”
“Most people with money can’t be trusted”
“The rich get richer, the poor get poorer”

A. Most couples have different spending styles
1. Some think credit cards debt is OK
2. Others think living on credit is really wrong
3. Some think their worth is based on what they “have” so they overspend (keeping up with the Jones or Kardashians)
4. Most couples Lie to each other about their spending (this is called financial infidelity)
5. Couples who lie to each other about money are more likely to cheat on each other (infidelity)

B. It isn’t about the money
1. Money is often the symbol of power in the relationship (there is an underlying belief that the primary breadwinner makes financial decisions)
2. People withhold or give money based on emotions or actions
3. Your attitude toward money translates to your emotional and sexual connectedness. Below are financial personality types:
a. Witholders hoard, are stingy and most likely not affectionate
b. Controllers control money and also want to control sexual activity, often refusing to have sex unless they initiate it and use sex as a way to manipulate their partner’s ego
c. Sneaky—tear off the price tag and hide it in the closet. These people are hard to trust, and are prone to other indiscretions.


B. Why we spend when we shouldn’t
1. Spending gives a quick “high”
2. There are addictive rituals around spending
3. We are trying to fill an unfilled need that has nothing to do with money: i.e. mad at husband, need for emotional connection

C. Solutions to getting along about spending
1. Communicate your needs and desires for spending this holiday
2. Make compromises
3. When talking about money, do something fun, emotionally connecting or sexy afterward
4. Pay your bills in your underwear
5. Look for ways to meet your real needs instead of spending:
Emotional connectedness, holding, hugging, sharing feelings

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