How to Re-Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship

Is the secret to long term desire is being apart? Marriage and Family Therapist Kelly Hoffman shared the top three ingredients, based on a recent study, you need in order to feel desire for the one you love.

1. Imagination:
People who were able to imagine their partners, imagine their feelings for their partners as well as have an imagination about the physical side of intimacy experienced a heigtened desire for their partners, and they were the ones that were the most satisfied with the physical side of their relationship. 


2. Separate
Absence may or may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes for higher levels of desire. People reported heightened desire after being apart, whether for work for the day or on longer trips. Even short periods of separation can serve to heighten feelings of desire. Imagine your spouse/partner turning the lights out, snuggling up to you, then getting up to take care of something they forgot. Even that short period of time gives the person lying in bed an opportunity to imagine, to daydream, to create their own feelings of desire. Also, separate does not only mean physical separation, but also a different kind of detachment. People reported feeling attraction to their partners when they saw them in new situations, or doing things they were passionate about, or seeing how much other people enjoy being with them in social settings.So it is not just physical separation, but also a separation of focus that allows us to observe one another, to see the mystery and desirability of one another.

3. Surprise/Novelty/Laughter
Again, having the freedom to be ourselves within the context of a relationship brings the feeling of newness and realization that there is more to this person whom you think you know, than you ever realized. Those moments cause people to feel admiration and excitement towards one another.

The above  3 ingredients need the fluidity of a healthy relationship to really exist naturally. Here are the biggest killers of desire, and its easy to see how they keep people from having the space they need to be "separate but connected".

1. Neediness

2. Anxiety 

3. Over vigilance/control/monitoring

4. Lack of trust

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