Q: My wife likes to spend money; I want to save for a house.  She will buy something without even knowing the price while I count every cent as we go through the grocery aisles.  Compromising on how we spend money has been our number one source of conflict in marriage.  What do we do when one of us is a spender and one of us is a hoarder?

A: It is not uncommon for one person in a couple to be a live-for-today spender and the other to be a compulsive saver.  It seems these styles emerge to some degree or another in nearly every marriage.  And while these money styles can be exasperating, it is possible to work the bugs out when the styles clash.

Start by discussing your spending styles with each other.  How did your childhoods shape your beliefs about money?  How were financial decision made?  Were money problems discussed openly? What are your spending priorities?  Are they in sync with your partner’s?  Don’t be disturbed if you find that your priorities conflict.  The goal is to communicate and compromise; not to evaluate and judge.  If you let go of right or wrong, it will be a lot easier to give and take. 

Above all, show respect.  Recognize that it’s possible to admire your husband’s cavalier attitude toward spending money or your wife’s knack for saving it.  Remember, no right or wrong, just differences.  Try putting yourselves in each other’s shoes to see things from the opposite perspective.  A little empathy can go a long ways to creating compromise.

If you find that you are developing a pattern of having the same disagreements over money again and again, the true source of dissension may not be your money styles.  That’s when it’s time to look for the real agenda of your arguments.  For example, if the hidden agenda is a question of power, you may find yourself saying, “You must think I’m too dumb to understand our finances!”  Or you might resort to personal attacks: “You always have to be the boss and make every single decision yourself.”

    When intense money battles erupt between you, it is always good to ask yourself: “Are we still talking about money, or is the real issue something else entirely?”  Another important tip is to not work through money problems while one of you is angry.  Instead, schedule some time when you are both a little calmer.  Finally, if you still find yourself in a stalemate over a money issue — fighting more and compromising less — then consider consulting an objective third party who is trained in dealing with financial and communication issues.  Talk to your pastor or a trusted counselor for a good referral.  Getting this issue resolved is worth the effort.  It just might save your marriage.

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Les Parrott, Ph.D. is professor of psychology and founder of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University, and bestselling author of Love Talk, Your Time Starved Marriage and the new Crazy Good Sex. 

Dr. Parrot has been featured in the New York Times and USA Today.  He’s appeared on The View, Good Morning American and Oprah.  His website features more than a 1,000 free video Q&A pieces.  To learn more, visit RealRelationships.com.