I’ve got the secret. I have it all figured out. All you have to do is get into the Hollywood machine and make one hit movie. That’s it. That’s all you have to do. Because once you have that initial hit under your belt, you can pretty much do anything you want.

That’s what the Wachowski Brothers have done. They parlayed a small hit ("Bound") into a bigger hit ("The Matrix") and then were cut loose, without supervision and with the king’s coffers at their disposal. What followed were two unintelligible, messy "Matrix" sequels which left audiences bewildered and completely unsatisfied.

Now the Wachowski’s are back adapting the beloved (to the geek nation) Japanese animated series "Speed Racer." I watched "Speed Racer" as a kid in the mid-70’s and I remember it to be fun and full of action, adventure, danger and excitement. This new movie from the wunderkind brothers has basically ripped my childhood nostalgia from my soul and spit it out onto the floor. While the theme song says "go Speed Racer, go" the lyrics for this new version should be "no, speed racer no," because this film will be unsuitable for any non-Ritalin using, non-ADHD person over the age of eleven.

For those who aren’t familiar, Speed Racer is a young race car driver. Together with the Racer family (Pops, Mom, Trixie, Sparky, Spritle and Chim Chim) he navigates the perilous race car circuit beset by challenging courses and freaky villains. Throughout it all, Speed forms a relationship with the mysterious Racer X whom Speed believes is his long lost brother Rex.

Each episode played like a serial, ending on a danger-fueled cliffhanger compelling you to tune in next time. For a children’s show made in the 1960’s it was pretty visionary stuff. Apparently the Wachowski Brothers keyed in on the word visionary and forgot about everything that was fun or thrilling.

This new gazillion-dollar blockbuster plays like a Technicolor candy-coated, acid-trip that, while visually spectacular, will likely leave both adults and children both confused and overwhelmed. Believe me; if you suffer from epilepsy do not view this film as the retina-blasting colors, constant motion and dizzying action sequences will almost guarantee you’ll suffer a seizure right in the theater.

The story in this updated version begins by showing the Racer family history, including Rex’s disappearance. Beyond that, it’s all about how evil corporations have infiltrated and corrupted the sport of racing and how mom and pop operations like the Racers’ get squashed. If you think long speeches about how fixing races to drive up corporate stock options will keep your kids entertained…think again. I’m a grown adult and I had a hard time keeping track of what was going on.

The problem is that the Wachowski’s have put thousands of hours of thought into the computer graphics and very little thought into the script. There are some nice moments here and there and each family member gets one or two scenes to shine, but there is surprisingly little meat or substance and the actors all look lost. This isn’t hard to understand since they probably stood in front of a green screen for weeks on end. The dialogue is needlessly confusing and other times laughable. The show already worked for kids and animation geeks, so why did the Wachowski’s feel like they had to change everything?

The cast of heavyweights is mostly wasted. Emile Hirsch (Speed) is coming off a great part in "Into the Wild" and Christina Ricci (Trixie) usually picks offbeat films, but neither one gets much to work with here. Two cast members do shine though. John Goodman (Pops) brings the cartoon character to life and Matthew Fox does a nice job as the mysterious Racer X. Susan Sarandon, unfortunately, has surprising little to do as the Racer family matron.

The bulk of the comedy is given to Speed’s little brother Spritle (Paulie Litt) and his chimpanzee Chim Chim. Most of the laughs don’t work and the kid comes off more annoying than anything. If the Wachowski’s wanted juvenile then they certainly succeeded here. I’m not sure anyone beyond their early teens will find the movie all that funny.  Maybe I'm just the wrong target audience.

The villains are…well, just okay. Snake Oiler is the only character I remember from the show, but he looks totally different and is more silly than menacing. Fans of the cartoon are likely to be disappointed as iconic bad guys and vehicles such as the Mammoth Car and Car Acrobatic Team are nowhere to be seen.

The racing sequences look dazzling, but it’s not enough. Again, the Wachowski’s are visionaries in the realm of special effects and the film is constantly in motion, containing wipes, transitions, fast-motion, slow-motion, arcing camera shots and more. It’s all eye-candy and empty calories.

There is a scene where Spritle and Chim Chim go to town on a drawer full of candy only to pass out from a sugar rush. That’s pretty much how "Speed Racer" made me feel. The manic, attention deficit disorder filmmaking style used by the Wachowski Brothers makes the film more of an endurance test than an enjoyable evening at the cinema. I really wanted this to be good, but my low expectations were seemingly way too optimistic. This is the summer season’s first dud and I would recommend you skip this one and go see Iron Man again.

1.5 out of 5

Speed Racer
Rated PG