Don’t scoff the next time someone complains about how much time you spend on the internet.  Take a look in the mirror sometime. 

I bet you probably do spend way too much time on Facebook, instant messaging your friends, building virtual farms, and participating in meaningless quizzes.  I’m here to warn you that you’d better be careful.  Before you know it, you’ll be permanently plugged in, living your life through a robotic surrogate because you’re too scared to go out in public with your aging, fragile body and your quickly fading looks. 

At least that’s the future we face in the recently released sci-fi film Surrogates.

In the future, the entire world will live its lives through robot representations.  Murders will be a thing of the past because average everyday citizens cannot be hurt, even if their robots are completely destroyed.  Knowing this, you can imagine the surprise confronting law enforcement when people start dying when their robots get fried. 

FBI agents Greer and Peters (Bruce Willis and Radha Mitchell) are assigned to the case and before long (the movie is only 90 minutes) their investigation starts peeling back the layers of a vast conspiracy involving the man responsible for the creation of the robots, the corporation building them, the military, and a separatist group promoting a return to human life.

I enjoy good science fiction but Surrogates stretches even my generous suspension of disbelief.  I find it hard to believe that 90% of the world can afford a robotic surrogate.  I find it even stranger that able-bodied people would choose to spend a nice sunny day (the entire film looks like a beautiful spring day) strapped to a virtual control panel in their darkened bedrooms. 

The first 45 minutes of this cheesefest are so silly I actually found myself laughing out loud at times. 

There’s something really disturbing about the robots soft, bland features and it’s even stranger seeing a robotically “youthful” Bruce Willis sporting an incredibly bad blonde hairdo.  His style is only matched by the rasta-on-steroids look displayed by Ving Rhames as “the Prophet;” a separatist leader determined to destroy humanity’s reliance on robotics.

If it sounds a little silly, it is; really silly.  Even if I could accept all that, I just can’t buy the hackneyed, clichéd, and even hokey dialogue spun by writers Michael Ferris and John Brancato (known for the inspiring dialogue in classics such as Terminator Salvation and Catwoman).  Their script is so full of inconsistencies it becomes maddening and you find yourself spending more time thinking about the movie’s problems than the “mystery” taking place on screen.  If everyone has a robot, why are people so quick to grab a cell phone?  You’d think there would be one built in to each model.   

And why is the military fighting a ground war with robotic soldiers?  If everyone has a surrogate and murders are a thing of the past, wouldn’t a conventional war be as equally obsolete and pointless?

Think of Surrogates as the anti-Avatar.  Both films involve people living their lives through alternate bodies, but where James Cameron’s film used cutting-edge film technology and an engaging (if not original) story to provide an epic with a message, the themes of human isolation and fear in Surrogates are buried in an inept film more likely to provide chuckles than reflection. 

Touchstone must have realized this movie was a dog since the DVD is pretty bare, featuring a music video and an audio commentary from director Jonathan Mostow (Terminator 3).  After watching Surrogates, I doubt you’ll be inspired to listen to what Mostow has to say. Spending a buck at the Redbox on this one might be a stretch.

1.5 out of 5
Rated PG-13
 

Tony Robinson is a past host of KATU's Movie Guys film review segment and currently reviews movies exclusively for KATU.com. He lives in Portland with his wife, son and action figure collection. He can be reached at tonerobe@hotmail.com.