Expert: Suppressing kids' play-fighting may erode self-esteem
PORTLAND, Ore. – A Portland child expert says curtailing children’s imaginary play, even if it's violent, is actually detrimental to their self-esteem.
Two weeks ago a Hillsboro boy had his recess time taken way, in part, for play sword fighting and not listening to his teacher. He was sword fighting with a nonexistent sword.
In a more recent case, a Denver boy was disciplined for throwing a nonexistent grenade.
Alex Evans, 7, was pretending to save the world from evil forces on the playground and pretended to detonate an imaginary grenade.
But his school has a no-tolerance policy, meaning no weapons, real or imaginary.
So Evans got suspended.
Portland therapist Kristi Cash White said school districts are well-intentioned.
"It's a different time than when we were kids," she said. "Kids are scared of terrorists and of someone coming into their school and shooting them or somebody kidnapping them and going into a bunker. So we have to be more aware of traumatizing children even through play."
White uses toys, even play weapons, in her practice. While she understands some kids get scared of play-fighting, for others it's essential to expressing themselves freely.
"Just like if a teacher held up a child's piece of artwork and said, 'This is how you should not do art," that's going to affect that child for years to come," she said.
Squashing the imaginary play of children, especially boys, can hurt their self-confidence and cause them to withdraw.
"Some of this acting out (of) violent scenes is a healthy thing," White said. "They're trying to figure out what's going on in the world."
She said that boys especially are naturally disposed to imaginary fighting – hard-wired, in essence – to practice being warriors.
Local school districts Beaverton, Salem-Keiser, Vancouver and Evergreen do not have any imaginary weapons policy. Portland and Hillsboro schools district don't either. But those two districts do say they discourage play-fighting.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoplophobia
I don't seem to recall having the problem of school shootings, or mass shootings in general, when kids actually "practiced" being the good guy with whatever their imagination allowed. They were taught what was morally right and wrong. And, we had plenty of guns back then that were never locked up.Â
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Now, we have kids that seem to be confused on the whole right v. wrong issue; good guys v. bad guys; inanimate objects v. human intent and accountability. Now they seem to be taught that WE are the bad guys.
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Coincidence?
Is anyone else alarmed by this statement: "Kids are scared of terrorists and of someone coming into their school and shooting them or somebody kidnapping them and going into a bunker."? I don't accept that as a "sign of the times" No way.
Our kids shouldn't have to think about such things. That's our job as adults; to protect them. And one method of protection is don't let them watch all the media coverage about all the crazy sh*t that's going on in the World. And last weeks story about a SWAT team coming into a school and yelling at people and throwing fake blood, even on children is terrorism. Government sponsored terrorism. And anyone who sends their kid to school on the day they are doing one of those drills is partcipating in creating mental instability for their kids. By forcing kids to particiate in basically what amounts to an "R" rated theatrical production they are being taught how to "cope" in a state of fear. The new norm. B.S.
Boys and girls too have always participate in what could be considered "war" or "violent" play. They'll pick up a stick and use it as a sword or use their hands and pretend to be a ninja. They pretend to be driving a car and make noises like screeching tires or crashes. They build forts and throw water balloons at each other. It's NORMAL. People who are offended by it must have grown up in an extremely sheltered environment arranging flowers or painting pretty pictures. (all those things are important too) But good grief, people can get worked up about just about anything these days. What's next, telling little girls they can't pretend to be mommies because some mommies breast feed. (which some people find offensive, believe it or not)Â and they might cradle their baby in their arms and pretend to breastfeed?
Parents need to take a stand for their kids rights at school. This kind of thing cannot be allowed to continue. It is "programming" the next generation to conform.
What the hell is this country coming to when a child can't even play make believe in school ? this whole school system administrators should be FIRED for even having such a stupid restriction such as this, this paranoia that's sweeping our country is going to leave nasty consequences in our children mental status for years to come, if I was the parent of this or any other child in this stupid school system I would pull them out and home school them asap. apparently the school principal and the teachers are unfit to teach as evidenced by this case. children need to have imaginary fights it's part of a child's growing up deny that and you'll have a real mamma's boy or a "sissy " kid.
 @parrot456 I'm just glade we live i a state where one can make that option.   in most other states if a child is removed from school the parents are either fined around 4k or the child is removed from the home. Â
 @parrot456 we did. Son is doing much better now.
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 @wondering More importantly, all it is doing is removing their ability to process something that is upsetting or disturbing to them. The result of that is lack of critical thinking ability as they get older. Which is essential in being a productive member of society. They will be more likely to be the young adult that takes that weapon to the school and shoots at innocent children, all because they can't figure out how to "process" disappointment, rejection or fear. It is making the problem worse, not better.Â
 @Just_one_opinion  @wondering "More importantly, all it is doing is removing their ability to process something that is upsetting or disturbing to them. The result of that is lack of critical thinking ability as they get older. Which is essential in being a productive member of society."
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It sounds like we have that problem with adults now. Lacking the ability to become productive members of society, they become school administrators - bent on corrupting ALL young minds with their misguided ideas of utopia.
It is our role as teachers and parents to educate our children, to civilize them but not stifle their imaginations. Take all the toy guns away and they use their hand. The smart way to have war play is to guide it to being the good guy, protecting the weak and defending justice. Most importantly, only to have that kind of play with people who want to play their game and no one else. It doesn't need to be so taboo to be a warrior, perhaps that is why our veterans are killing themselves. We tell them from an early age that being a warrior is wrong but then we send them to defend our freedom. Makes you think.
@TieDyeMomma We need a good SuperMan.
Hey kid, don't ever admit that you are "play sword fighting."
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Call it "an interpretive dance" preferably about "the struggle between ego and id, in a post-utopian technocracy."
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...or just claim that you are gay.
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@Sunrise26Â lol ,,,, Just claim that you are gay if you like to fight.
 @oodathunked 'splain please?  Do a lot of gays fight?  I don't get what you're saying.
 @oodathunked As long as you don't say anything like 'they deserve it because they're an abomination' or 'who cares, they're gay', I'm OK.  No one should get beat up because of who they are or their beliefs.
@Sundowner No, but they do get beat up in school alot.
Only 1 more thing left before all of the boys are eunuchs that carry murses and would rather shop at Macy's than go play outside in the mud.
I'm so glad I am not growing up today. When I was in school we played simulated war games, sword fights, katate matches, robot whathaveyous, alien somethingorothers, and we were never in fear of getting 'dispended.'
 @UselessOpinion Damn right, we played all kinds of games johnny on the pony, hide n seek, tag, and yes even war games and this was in the school yard during recess and I don't think any of the kids who played these games are or have ever been criminals, today our society is full of paranoid people and it will spread to our children if it's not stooped. Â
Funny how everything the 'self-esteem' crowd believes is turning out to be wrong. Criminals have very high self-esteem, kids who 'win' awards for participation can't handle failure in any form and the children of helicopter moms can't decide what to have for lunch without texting mom.
America needs a serious dose of depussification.Maybe we didn't have as much youth violence when they were allowed to play cowboys and indians, cops and robbers or War without some nanny-state liberal telling them they're wrong.An example of this is the soldier from Aloha featured in the amazing documentary Restrepo. While he's in Afghanistan firing a semi-automatic grenade launcher into a hillside, he's casually mentioning that his mom was an Oregon hippie who never let him play with guns, and confiscated a toy turtle-shaped squirt-gun one time because it was a "gun."  How'd that hippie BS work out for you, mom?Fast forward to him being one of the unlikely heroes in the most dangerous valley in the world, battling it out with the Taliban while his buddies are killed around him, only to return for another tour of duty.  He's in college now. His mom didn't put him there, some veterans' advocate group did.
Cripes... can't we get some friggen BALANCE in this country? Â Let's swing all the way from one side to the other and overcompensate with every little detail of our lives. Â Common sense is officially dead.Â
 @negativerep Unfortunately that is what our society has become.  We have become a society of Tolerance, Entitlements, Knee-Jerking, Over-reacting, and ridiculous other bullstuff.  It saddens me beyond measure that a child can no longer just be a child and play without stupid people taking ridiculously stupid actions such as these and reprimand them for well, being a kid.
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I had a similar incident happen to my child several years ago when he was in grade school. Â It was right after the Columbine incident. Â I was called, at work, and told that my child and another were being suspended from school for 3 days for play fighting with thumbtacks in the classroom. Â I immediately left work, contacted my attorney, and drove an hour to the school, went into the office and DEMANDED to speak with the Principal. Â She proceeded to tell me what had happened and what it amounted to was that the two boys were wrestling around and both had thumbtacks and were pretending that they were swords. Â She said they had a zero tolerance policy towards weapons in school. Â I was outraged. Â A thumbtack, a weapon? Â I proceeded to ask a few questions and told her that I felt this was unacceptable behavior on the schools part. Â She disagreed, and told me that he would be suspended for 3 days and had to write an apology to the class, teacher and other student for instigating the incident. Â I just about lost my cool at this point, but somehow was able to remain somewhat civil and said to her, "What you are telling me is utterly absurd and I will not tolerate it. My attorney has been informed of this incident and you WILL be before the school board regarding this incident if it is NOT dropped and my son apologized to IMMEDIATELY." Â I added....."Tell me, where did they GET the thumbtacks from?" Â She replied, "They were in the classroom." I thought for a minute and said, "So what you are telling me, and what you are going to be standing in front of the school board explaining, is that you are suspending two kids for playing with weapons that the SCHOOL HAS PROVIDED for the children?" Â She turned pretty much white at this point. Â I followed with "Yeah, I would like to have my son and the other child come in here RIGHT now so you can apologize to both of them, unless you don't want to keep your job." Â She immediately called them both in and apologized.
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Don't allow the schools to bully your children into not being kids. Â There is a limit to reason and no limit to stupidity.
 Losing is important in development. It  teaches coping mechanisms, good sportsmanship and the fundamental important quality.......sometimes things don't happen the way you want them to or expect them to. Losers don't end up with assault weapons.  Mal adjusted, over medicated, violent video game players with neglectful parents .... ....Do !
 @Rob C 503 Yep I grew up with a neighbor who used to ask me after ever baseball game how it went. When I said we won he would always say that is to bad. Anyone can be a good winner but it takes losing to build real character. When you take away the losing part and never let them learn how to cope with feelings of failure you are leaving them totally unprepared for real life.
The end of your comment is not quite true. The 'losers' are often the bullied. They end up with suicide, or violent outbursts, or both. Not to mention even well-adjusted people don't like authority figures telling them what to do for no good reason and will rebel.
 @bydl I doubt there are many on the list that did not get bullied at some point. We had a little punk that anyone could kick the crap out of the bullied everyone and got away with it because his two friends were very large for their age. Everyone dealt with it and when we got to high school and he lost touch with his friends he got a little payback before he dropped out.
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Some amount of adversity is healthy to teach you how to deal with it. It can be over done and their are those that are extremely over sensitive where it can be a problem but that is not the norm.
 @Rob C 503 Had me up to violent video game players... it's time to put that myth to rest considering the countless amount of people who play them without any violent acts on their part. Â
Bodagris......... and let me put one more component into it. Instead of being out playing with kids and socializing, we let the medication work while planted at a machine that rewards them for killing people and destroying things and plug them into rap music that further demeans and desensatizes them to humanity. For some, some...........I contend that is a lethal dose of of participating in violence which becomes acceptable.
H e l l...........we do a better job of socializing our dogs sometimes. Why should our children receive any less?
 @Bodagris  @Rob C 503 Most of them are psychologically stable or at least supervised, but, I agree for the most part.
Next the kids will be required to sit quietly on their hands during recess with no talking allowed. We are going to have a society full of neurotic children that are afraid to express themselves in any manner.
Sounds like the teachers shouldnt be teaching children.
 @sortbait The issue is more with school boards and parent groups that have painted teacher into a corner with little to no freedom to decide how to run their class or the ability to use a rational course of action to deal with these situations.Â
So its official -Â "damned if you do, and damned if you don't". All these so called experts and helicopter parents need to go away and let kids be kids. These are the people who are the big detriment to kids growing up "normal". Â
Let me ask this scenario: A kid is play fighting, and goes bang bang to a student who is not playing. The student gets scared and goes home and tells mommy and daddy that he got threatened. The parents then go to school and raise the dead because the school didn't protect their student. As we live in a sue happy world, schools are getting scared. Not to mention, that will erode self esteem but teaching kids that you'll always be treated nicely and no one will ever say a bad word about you won't?
Hogwash!
An imagination is a dangerous thing that should never be tolerated.
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 @Dr. Rawdog Except the weapon was not imaginary in his mind. Nor was the carnage he attempted to carry out on innocent people. This guy wasn't saving thousands of lives from evil, he WAS the evil. The scary thing to me is that there are people who cannot tell the difference.
Rawdog, yes the weapon was "imaginary" his hate was real.
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@Dr. Rawdog   """"""I remember reading about a young man that played with an imaginary weapon that most of you supported getting punished. His name is Mohamed Mohamud.""""""
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So would you preferred the autorities  just monitored his behavior and then arrested MoMo only after he had killed hundreds of people???
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 @Dr. Rawdog  @kramr No, it's not. Another liberal sociopath who doesn't understand right from wrong. You're giving the rest of them a bad name. I'm starting to think you're actually a Westboro Christian just trying to stir up anti-leftist rhetoric.
You do know the difference between an adult and a kid right?
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 @kramr Don't get me going on that stupid measure 11 crap. That is BS and if you read it, you would know it is.  We should not be criminalizing stupid stuff that young teenagers do, and that law makes it happen.  I am NOT talking about Capital Crimes.  That stupid law is NOT limited to capital crimes.  Many of the things that a lot of us did as teenagers are crimes now according to that stupidity.
Van Tucko if you think the analogy that Dr Rawdog used is an apt one or even remotely a legal one - "heres your sign"
you have real problems with subtlety don't you; you know like the subtle  difference between child's play and conspiracy to commit mass murder?
@Dr. Rawdog @wvboy  """""""Yes, one day according to our legal system. Once a 17 year old becomes 18, he or she magically becomes an adult."""""""
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Depending on the crime, teenagers are considered adults as young as 13-14 years of age........  humans are expected to know at a rather young age that killing others very wrong for example.
 @Dr. Rawdog  @wvboy Dr. Rawdog - I HOPE that is just a nickname. Because you don't sound as if you are the sharpest crayon in the box.
this is as stupid as the piece of paper gun that got the little girl searched by the teacher. The teacher was looking for paper bullets. Get a clue kids will be kids. Next they will be arresting kids for for playing cops and robbers.....Â
"zero-tolerance" for common sense is more like it.
 @Conspirator These are the people who think banning pistol grips will stop mass shootings.
Obviously children should stop playfighting, something human children had done since the beginning of time, and take up "play-suing". They could file imaginary discrimination lawsuits, bring imaginary legal action for harassment, and maybe even make-believe product liability litigation.
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In the later grades, they could have imaginary zero-tolerance policies, and start expelling other kids from their playgroup for overly aggressive make-believe legal actions, and then have fantasy administrators who don't do anything but ban other kids from games because of policy.
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At least this way the kids might learn something useful for later in life.
 @al_02 Play-suing, play collective bargaining... you're on to something:"We're not playing cops and robbers, teachers. It's called Scabs and Goons. DUH!!"