Message from murdered man's widow: Life can go on
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LAKE OSWEGO, Ore. - It's been three months since a Lake Oswego woman's husband was brutally murdered in their home and this weekend she found the courage to talk to KATU about the trauma of her personal tragedy.
Maggie Hayes did so, in part, because of the violence we saw last week, both locally and nationally. She wants people to know that life can go on.
Her husband, Fredrick 'Fritz' Wheeler Hayes, Jr., 57, was killed in September.
"What happened to me was so random and senseless," she said. "This man was in my house. He didn't even know whose house he was in. And he's nuts. But I paid the ultimate price for complacency."
Maggie explained that she and her husband left their home the morning of Sept. 19 without locking their back door - a move she regrets. When they returned, they found a stranger in their home and it was her husband, Fritz, who became the target of a brutal attack.
"I knew from Fritz' injuries that I could not save him but my automatic training kicked in for first aid," Maggie said. "I mean that goes way back. And he was bleeding - he had a cut to his neck and other injuries. He bled out is basically what happened."
In the days that followed, Maggie said she was barely functioning. She relied heavily on her family and friends for strength and was grateful to the first responders at the scene. In fact, she was in the midst of thanking many of them last week as Jacob Roberts opened fire at the Clackamas Town Center and the 9-1-1 calls came in.
"I was at the Clackamas County Sheriff's Department meeting with Mark Nicolai and Michael Copenhager and Chief Roberts," she said.
And then a few days later came the news out of Newtown, Connecticut. Maggie grew up in Massachusetts and said her heart aches for the people of Newtown.
"There's not a bigger wake-up call," she said. "I don't know what else we can do after Connecticut. My God - innocent children are gunned down. But who are the shooters? The man that killed Fritz, he didn't use a gun. He used a blade. That was his signature - he used blades. He is being investigated for three other murders - Kelso, the guy in Ashland, that was totally random and out of the blue with no evidence whatsoever. And then Utah and who knows how many others. The man is nuts. But the gift of Fritz' death is that this man was apprehended. He will never hurt anybody again."
That ability to see the gifts in tragedy, to see the purpose in pain, may be Maggie's gift.
"I let myself feel everything," she said. "I feel joy. I feel laughter. I feel pain. I cry. I feel sadness. And music is a wonderful thing to help bring out that feeling."
There is irony here. In her husband's death, Maggie found a strength she never knew she had and discovered an outlook on life she might never have known.
"I didn't live it fully because I didn't allow myself to," she said. "Now I can honestly say that I love myself and I'm proud of myself. And my husband's up there and he's proud of me too. He's like 'go get 'em girl.' "
The suspect in Fritz' murder, Eric Meiser, was in court last week. A judge ruled that he was not able to aid in his defense and she ordered him to be be sent to the Oregon State Hospital for a mental evaluation.
Meiser's mental state came into question during a previous court appearance in November when he had an odd exchange with a judge.
Meiser's stepfather told KATU at the time that his stepson had been diagnosed with schizophrenia a long time ago and that he was delusional.
Maggie, my heart has been sad for you since it happened. Thank you for your courage in telling the story, and I wish you peace.
How unfortunate so many comments offer no understanding of compassion, exactly what is so wrong with our culture, Mr. Parker, father of precious 6 year old daughter understands...he expressed it for shooters family, Maggie's strength should inspire us, as Mr Parker did for his daughter, for those not understanding, we pray for you, no pity for you, not about one-ups-manship, it is about finding peace, when everything goes wrong, it's character that knows heart is the answer, it is not about the instruments of death, it is about how we relate to one another; choose kindness, these people are tested and yet they show us a way...listen with your heart, start by smiling, see how it transforms...small change, your cost, small change. We have the ability, only we have lost touch with how to tap into that part of ourselves that is truly courageous , by being grateful and kind, to put it in practice. Those of us who endured loss, who have been tested under fire, know this. We honor you Maggie, we honor all those grieving now, and thank you for reaching out to thank those who respond, who put themselves in the way to protect us all, Thank you and blessings all around you.
 @Social Glimpse Bravo!
I am so sorry for your loss. And you are correct. Life does go on and as time passes the pain becomes less and less.
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Times will still be hard for you but you seem to have a good handle on this and I wish you the best in the years to come.
 @RalphCramden I've had an extremely difficult year which has included cancer, death, and financial ruin. Words like yours, Ralph, drip with insincerity and are obviously nothing more than self serving drivel. How do I know this? From reading the tons and tons of comments you've made over the past few months that have made it extremely obvious that true compassion is not an emotion you are familiar with in the least. People like you make me want to punch a wall.
 @tigressÂ
I am truly sorry about your year. I can only hope that you are in remission and things get better.
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One of my co-instructors had cancer and it was brutal to watch her go through all her treatment which included surgery, chemo and radiation. The chemo was the worst. Most of the other instructors taught her classes for her so that she could still get paid and didn't have to expend energy teaching instead expending energy to get better.
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I am thinking that punching a wall might be the best option. I have seen folks do that and end up with a less than functional hand with permanent disability. There are other ways to successfully vent anger in a positive way.
 @RalphCramden Also? The reason I bring up my personal situation isn't for sympathy (though yours would no doubt be fake), it's to let you know that I've had to endure my share of phony sentiments and I know one when I see one. Where's the tough guy bravado you were spewing in recent months about how stupid people deserve to die, Ralph? Tis the season?
 @tigress  @washcomomÂ
I like that one also.
 @tigress  @washcomomÂ
I won't be stopping tigress. I speak reality and if someone doesn't want to face the facts then so be it.
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In 30 years of working on the streets I have seen a lot of death. Some were innocent people who died because others were engaging in stupid activities. Some, thankfully, only killed themselves while being stupid and no one else was injured.
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We need more peer pressure and call stupid decisions exactly what they are. Stupid. When my wife or I do something stupid we acknowledge it as being stupid as there isn't any other way to describe it.
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I have had mothers who I had to inform them that their child was dead and they admitted that what they did was stupid. There is no denial from them. Others deceive themselves into thinking that their childs idiotic decision had nothing to do with their death. Total denial.
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One of my nieces is dying and might not make it to the end of the year. She is really stupid even though she has a high IQ and did very well in school. Yet she makes one idiotic decision after another and now is so bad off physically that she will not survive. Once she is dead I will grieve as we were very close till she started making her bad decisions. Then she refused to talk to me because I told her like it was. But I am under no illusions that she will die from making some really stupid decisions.
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 @RalphCramden  @washcomom I'm sure you've heard the saying (to paraphrase) that "the true measure of worth of a man is not how he died, but how he lived." I like that one.
 @RalphCramden  @washcomom No widow, child or parent deserves to read what you've written about their deceased loved ones, Ralph. Maybe think about that in the future.
 @tigress  @washcomomÂ
Sorry you feel that way but at least you are honest.
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I don't feel sorry for folks who do really stupid things that end their lives. I do feel bad for family who has to deal with the loss. I also feel bad for the driver who killed the guy and will have to live with that the rest of his life.
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I am not embracing this widow because it is Christmas. I actually dislike Christmas because it is nothing more than a huge sales event.
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This ladies husband died, not because he made a stupid decision, but from a lunatic with a knife engaging in criminal activity and having no respect for human life.
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We will never see eye to eye and you will never understand my position. It is not an uncommon position in the overall scheme of things. Most of my co-workers believe as I do in that stupid decisions can cause a lot of misery for a lot of people.
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I do hope you have a nice Christmas, that your cancer is in remission and you can somehow find peace in the coming year.
 @RalphCramden  @washcomom I liken my reading your comments to people slowing down to look at accidents. They're so horrible, I find your comments fascinating in a disturbing way that makes me feel ashamed. I stand by my opinion, however, that you can't tear apart one widow's loss (referring to her husband as "stupid" and "deserving to die" because he crossed the road trying to see her in a dragon boat race and stepped in front of an oncoming vehicle), then embrace another widow simply because...it's Christmas?
 @tigress  @washcomomÂ
If my comments distress you so much why do you read them?
 @washcomom  @tigressÂ
Especially at holidays.
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It's one thing to watch a love one die of old age but it's totally different when a loved one is murdered right in front of you. She watched him die. That has got to be really hard.
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The family and friends in Sandy Hook who will be having funerals instead of Christmas is unimaginable to me. I can't even comprehend what they have to deal with.
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I have seen a lot of kids die over the years. It is never easy and I never knew the kids prior to my involvement. It was my job to deal with it and staying objective and professional was almost more than I could handle.
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Tigerss does not like me and I am okay with that. She is angry and rightfully so from the sounds or her situation.
 @washcomom  @RalphCramden Ralphie's never been at a loss for words before, so I don't think he needs anybody to defend him. I'd just like him to be accountable for all of the ugly comments about other families who lost loved ones over the last few months. Does his compassion only show up during the holidays, like Santa? And just as fake?
 @tigress  @RalphCramden I think Ralph's thoughts have compassion in them. I just wonder what is in the water, of late, to trigger such a strong emotion from you.Â
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Ralph may not always have a perfect way of expressing compassion, but I believe this one is spot on. Life does go on and pain does become less and less over time. It's never easy when an anniversary of a loved one's death goes by, but sad memories give way to the happier times.Â
I don't discount what Mrs. Hayes has to say on the matter of grieving. However, context does play an important part in light of recent events. Mrs. Hayes experienced the loss of a loved one who was an adult, who was fully formed and who had lived a full and fruitful life. Even though he had great potential to accomplish further and greater things in his life, he had the opportunity to live. We are discussing parents whose children were taken at the very beginning of their potential. These were 6 and 7 year old kids who were just beginning to blossom into personality and individuality. There is a separate grieving for deaths of this kind and I fear Mrs. Hayes interpretation does not qualify fully here. She has points that resonate, but there is a strong current that sweeps the grieving process in a direction that she is not fully comprehending.
@NWGodfrey
I understand what you are saying but there are countless families out there grieving missing children right now. Whether the child's death came from a preventable tragic accident, a sudden or congenital disorder or disease, or as a victim of homicidal violence it doesn't really matter. The loss so suddenly of a bunch of little children matters most to the community. The families of each of the children, regardless of how they pass away, will be grieving an unimaginable pain. They will be second-guessing their decisions until their dying day.
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Trying to quantify or qualify a loss is very personal. I thank Mrs. Hayes for coming forward and providing a perspective the rest of us, thankfully, should never know.
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No matter how long Mr. Hayes lived, he was still a victim of homicidal violence more or less out of his control. Hearing that someone has died of a horrible accident is certainly different than hearing someone was murdered. Age isn't and shouldn't be a factor. A loss is still a loss regardless of age, gender, or societal position.
@CTWU Children are held in a special status in society for a reason and when children are murdered senselessly, regardless of the circumstance, it is held in a different regard than any other muder.
@margay1 @NWGodfrey @CTWU Margay1....how many children do you have and how old are they?
 @NWGodfrey  @margay1  @NWGodfrey  @CTWU ~ I can't speak for anyone else, but I am not - and WAS not - '"angry".   I was simply pointing out that not everyone (including some who are parents) necessarily holds kids in the "societal elevated status" that others do.  Again, it's a matter of perspective, and it intends no disrespect to anyone...  A senseless murder, to me, such as at Sandy Hook or our local shopping mall here in Oregon, is just that: the senseless, tragic murder of innocent victims, just as are the senseless murders of adults and children alike that we hear and read about every dayÂ
Grieving is an intensely personal emotion; there is no right, wrong, or "preferred" way to do it... and the loss of an adult loved one, eg: a spouse or a sibling, can be felt as keenly and deeply as the loss of a 3-year-old. Â Â
@margay1 @NWGodfrey @CTWU Dear lord, are you people really thinking I was saying it's "less important"? Seriously people, don't you read??? Quit assuming so much. I just meant it's different and the grieving process is different and I didn't believe that the advice offerred by this woman was as applicable to a parent losing a young child as it was to her own situation and anyone in a similar situation. Honestly...don't just jump on every chance you find to be angry. Take some time to really think about what someone is saying.
 @margay1  @NWGodfrey And young children losing parent(s).
 @NWGodfrey  @CTWU ~ Oh, I don't know that that is entirely true... I feel the same way about, for example, the 2 innocent adults who were murdered at Clackamas Town Center a few days before the Newtown event...Why is their loss of any less importance because they were older..?
And yes; I am a parent... my son is now in his 40s... if he were killed in something like what happened at CTC, I would grieve his loss more because I have known him longer; it's a deeper relationship.Â
 @NWGodfrey  @CTWU It is also a matter of perspective. A child killed in an avoidable accident (for example, a speeding repeat-offender drunk driver hits and kills a 6 year old on a bicycle) could very likely be perceived as having been murdered. At least from the child's family's point of view. Society would say, instead, the accident was exactly that -- an accident. If the driver survives s/he might be charged with some type of manslaughter conviction. That isn't legally murder.
@NWGodfrey I respectfully disagree with your assessment. I think it's a blanket assumption. My mother still cries everyday for her mother who died 9 years ago at age 81. You just can't give a standard measure to grief based on the amount of years a person has lived, it's a very personal thing. It would be as if I said these parents won't mourn as much as my mom because they didn't know their kids as long. I know you said you're not discounting what she is saying, but in a way you are. How do you measure tragedy? Based on a person's age or how deeply they were loved? You can't. It's an individual opinion. To me, his death is just as tragic as those little ones, and someone else might not feel that way, and that is OK.
@r Please understand. I in no way intend to discredit grief in any form. However, I feel that parent's who lose a child at such a young age are to be afforded a bit of extra grieving and crying. It just isn't the same as losing an adult loved one. There is a special place where we grieve children, and parents who lose young ones are afforded a different place in the grieving process I believe.
@r It's ok that you don't have children, It just makes your perspective different. I meant no offense, truly, it's just that I felt the story didn't apply to the situation. Parent's get it.....non-parents might not. Not really a big deal, just a difference in perspective.
My point's been made and I'm not seeing logic or reason from you, so no need for me to go on here. One last note:Â
IMHO (look it up, it's a great concept) it's inappropriate to come in here to this tragic, inspiring story of grief & hope and proclaim this woman's story not as tragic or her grief not as deep.
She was speaking of loss and recovery. For you to pick at her story in this manner is appalling.
@NWGodfrey Death is Death. Sorry but this point your trying to make over and over again isn't valid. Do you just disagree with the victims message and therefore your trying to undermine her message?
@r Do you have children?
@NWGodfrey Wow again with assumptions, and making it personal, too. Nice. Notice you didn't come back to anything I said. Could it be I had valid points?
@r you don't have children do you?
@NWGodfrey "Parents who lose a child at such a young age are to be afforded a bit of extra grieving and crying"??
I can't understand why you think it's ok for YOU to allow extra grieving & crying based on what YOU feel is a more valuable life and tear-deserving death. But I don't have to understand.Â
A person's grief and measure of tragedy is not for me OR ANYONE ELSE to decide. NO ONE should be "allowed" less grieving or more tears.
You said a mother of a 40-yr-old can at least respect his life and the 6-yr-old's parent has a different experience. I say EVERYONE has a different experience and it's unfair---even offensive---of you to decide some people are allowed to grieve more based on age. Death, life, love, and grief are complex and contain multitudes of variables.
They all have individual stories. Did they love the same? Anyone abused or estranged? You just can't paint them all black & white or put them in neat little categories.
Just because you deem some deaths as more tragic and worthy of grief doesn't make it so. It's your OPINION.
I actually had someone tell me once they mourned the loss of their cat more than the loss of their mom. That's sorta what I mean by individual variables. It didn't occur to me to tell her she should be crying more for her mother. She felt what she felt.
@r There is a difference whether you see it or not. A man who lived into his 50's or 60's has at least lived a great portion of his potential and can be celebrated in death for that. A child who has only passed into the 6th year of life is in a different place for a parent who grieves. A mother who loses a 40 year old child can at least respect the life he lived, a mother who loses a 6 year old child has a wholly different experience and that cannot be denied. Are you a parent? And if so how old is your child?
My heart goes out to you this holiday season, Maggie. I'm so happy to see you're coming through this tragedy emotionally stronger than you were, going in. Way to not give more of your soul than what was already taken. Stay strong!
Maggie Hayes, you are an inspiration and example to us all. We could learn a lot from your outlook on life and benefit from embracing life and emotion. Thank you for sharing something so personal and touching.Â
"The man that killed Fritz, he didn't use a gun. He used a blade. That was his signature - he used blades".
Obama said that in the coming weeks, he would use "whatever power this office holds" to engage with law enforcement, mental health professionals in an effort to prevent more tragedies like this. We will have to change."
He promised to lead a national effort, but left unclear what it would be, and how much it would address the explosive issue of Blade control. "What choice do we have?" Obama said. "Are we really prepared to say that we're powerless in the face of such carnage, that the politics are too hard?"
@scared_citizen; another one, eh? Did it ever occur to you gun fanatics that what Obama was talking about was to help the people of this country with mental illness issues? No.....probably not; that just wouldn't fit with your thought process.
@catherine.henry That's some pretty good Kool Aid you're drinking. Wait and see how this plays out. I GUARANTEE that he pushes a bill to infringe on our gun rights. If that doesnt happen, I will publically apologize to you but I dont expect to have to do that.
It takes courage to, as Maggie said, let yourself feel everything. But it pays off in the ability to fully live life. Kudos to her and may she recover her joy in full.Â