The right way to fight
A relationship is hard work and as most couples know there are bound to be disagreements. Fighting is not a sign of a bad marriage; in fact, it can be healthy if you’re doing it right.
What type of fighter are you?
Do you always win when arguing or are you the type to back down or walk away? What about when it comes to fighting with your spouse?
The relationship insiders we talked to said that either extreme can be harmful to a relationship. It is all about actually talking to each other.
"You have to get it out on the table," said one man, recently divorced, who said his relationship crumbled because they could not communicate.
Dr. James Mol, a psychologist for Providence Behavioral Health, agrees.
"There's a lot of 'communication' in fighting during confrontation," he said. "But you have to do it the right way."
That involves a few do's and don'ts.
First, name calling and insults are definitely a don't. "It doesn't show respect, which is a guiding principle of fighting fairly," Mol said.
Second, do not use absolutes. In other words, avoid phrases that begin with "you always" or "you never." Mol points out that, usually, those phrases are not accurate. There is often a time when they've veered from whatever you see as the norm.
Instead, do use your feelings with phrases such as "When you do this, I feel this way."
"Using those kinds of ways of phrasing things helps a person not feel defensive," Mol said.
Third, focus on the issue. "It's a real fundamental 'do' in terms of fighting," Mol said.
He said couples that don't focus on the issue tend to get off track, and end up fighting over the way they're fighting instead of the real issue.
Fourth, leave your baggage at the door. That means don't bring up the past - unless it's relevant. Relevant baggage, said Breakupgirl.net co-creator Lynn Harris in Ladies' Home Journal, are those emotional situations where - if not dealt with together - could hinder your ability to develop healthy new patterns.
The fifth and final fair-fighting strategy is to not keep score.
"The purpose of a fight, rather than to win, is to figure out a compromise or a solution when there is conflict," Mol said.
Dr. Mol said successful couples should think of every argument as an opportunity to learn from each other because:
"This argument or fight is going to impact our relationship one way or another," Mol points out in his notes. "It can help, it can keep things neutral, or it can hurt."