Look both ways before crossing NE Portland...

Snowman learns lesson the hard way

Portland residents were horrified when they looked out their windows to see a massacre of the arctic kind.

"I was making my morning cup of coffee, and heard this horrible shriek followed by tires screeching," a resident said. "I dashed to the window and saw the aftermath of a snowman colliding with the grill of a Mercury. I put my hands over my children's eyes so they wouldn't have nightmares after watching Frosty."

Neighbors immediately converged on the scene where the snowman, named Hobbes from what sources say, laid scattered about, just as he had before creation.

"Well, the Lord giveth, and the Lord, he taketh away," commented one bystander, wiping a tear from his eye. "It's senseless. Just senseless."

Photographer Ryan Phegley was able to capture the image just as it happened, diving to his right to avoid the speeding vehicle driven by Calvin Watterson.

"It was insane, man," quoted Phegley. "That snowman was just minding his own business, probably on his way to the park to see his wife and kids, and WHAM. Corncob pipes and button noses everywhere. I tried to get the license plate, but was too mortified by the winter violence to make sense of anything. I think the driver may have drinking and didn't see either of us, I'm just grateful I have the reflexes of a ninja, but saddened our frozen friend did not." When asked what he would do next, Phegley replied, "I think I'll sit at home, listen to a little rock n' roll, and eat some cheetos. I really like cheetos, dude."

Onlookers began tossing remnants of the deceased onto a resident's lawn to avoid problems with traffic passing by, and no memorial is scheduled. No humans were harmed.

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